


Cruel World

by AnneMcSommers



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Dubious Consent, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Manipulative Relationship, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:28:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28970589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneMcSommers/pseuds/AnneMcSommers
Summary: Ben had always had to option to go towards that light, but he chose to stay.  The only thing he regretted was never telling his brother about that choice.  Ben's POV on his death till the day he moved on.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Cruel World

Ben felt guilty about letting Klaus believe that it was his fault that Ben hadn’t moved on. He didn’t want to admit to Klaus that the only reason that his brother had been able to summon him at all was because he had hesitated. He was given the chance to move on, he saw the light, but he didn’t step towards it. He stayed there for three days too afraid to step forward, too afraid to consider what might be waiting for him on the other side.

Klaus spoke a lot about the dead, being able to see them and all, but even he didn’t know what happened after they moved on. Ben knew that he had been a monster, had not just housed them, but let them free to kill people. 

He was just following orders, but Ben knew that wasn’t a defense, not really. Even as a child he had known what he was doing was wrong. Its why that last time he let them out he hesitated to call them back. He let go of the control, for just a second, and before he could think better of it, it was over, and while he fought to control them, to live, well… He wondered if that hesitation counted as suicide, it was only a fraction of a second, too small for anyone but him to know about, but it was a choice.

They weren’t a religious family, but with a brother that could talk to the dead, they knew that some part of a person could move on could move on, and that at least implied the existence of an after. 

And if the afterlife was a thing, then being judged on your life might be a thing too, and that was what made Ben hesitate, to stop at the door. It’s what made him hold on there even though from the shadow he could feel the warmth radiating off the light like sunshine just out of reach.

The fear is why he went with it when he felt the pull. When he saw Klaus he feigned disappointment, a need to move on, but what he felt was relief that he had another option. That he could stay here with Klaus, and not face what came after. 

When he asked Klaus about moving on, he knew that Klaus was lying about knowing if he could try again later. He had always known when Klaus was lying, but the idea of being stuck here forever was less terrifying than the alternative.

It was good sometimes too, to still be around. Where the light was like sunshine, Klaus was like a space heater. He was warm and beckoning when he was on, and then suddenly overwhelmingly cold when he wasn’t, when the drugs were blocking his heat from the ghosts. 

The sudden absence of heat was why most of them left, the overwhelming chill too much for them to handle. Not Ben though, he stuck it out. He found a way to push past the numbing cold so that Klaus could see him whether or not he was high. The light was always there though, he could always see a sliver of it out of the corner of his eye, and he knew that if he turned and thought about it the door would be there again 

He justified his staying by saying he was there to help Klaus. Klaus who would have stayed at the academy and been victim to their fathers increasingly desperate basement experiments had Ben not told him it was time to go. Klaus who had to be reminded to eat, and sleep, and to get out of the cold before he lost his toes. Klaus who slept with people for money and spent it on drugs rather than food until he ended up in the ER OD’ing again. Klaus who suffered through prison, who faked it through rehab, and who dated guys who beat him black and blue and then said they were sorry and would never do it again until they did. Klaus who said he didn’t need Ben, that he should move on, but laid in a puddle of his own blood crying Ben’s name begging his brother not to leave him alone and apologising for making him stay.

There were moments like that when Ben considered moving on, but then he felt guilty for thinking about it. After all this time of letting Klaus believe that he couldn’t move on, if Ben actually left, would Klaus think that Ben had given up on him like the rest of their siblings? 

He wanted to tell Klaus the truth, but there were days when saying he was there for Klaus was the only reason his brother didn’t take that last pill, and knowing Ben had chose to stay would take away that last bit of leverage Ben had over him, so Ben hesitated and then said nothing at all.

It was different when Klaus got sober. Ben realized when Klaus actually got clean, that what he had experienced in the past was nothing, maybe it was just Klaus’s powers growing with nothing holding them back, but it was stronger. 

Klaus wasn’t just a space heater anymore, he was a fire heading towards an inferno and with everyday he was clean he was brighter, and warmer. So much so it started scaring off the ghosts in a whole new way. Where Ben had once had to fight past the cold, he was now fighting past the sensation of being burned by the heat Klaus was putting out. 

It made Ben feel more alive than he had in years, but at the same time far less content. The more he was present, the more real he felt, the more he felt what was missing. Not being able to speak, touch, feel, taste, it was almost worse than before. And Klaus didn’t need him anymore.

Sure his idiot brother had started a cult, and then got sick of it, as Klaus often got sick of his little games. But Klaus was clean, he wasn’t drunk, or high, he had a place to sleep, food to eat, and people who, well, worshipped him. 

Everyday it became a little bit harder to pretend he was staying for Klaus, when Klaus obviously didn’t need him anymore. He sniped, little things, comments he knew would hurt Klaus, and the worse part is that for almost three years Klaus just went with it. Klaus got this little hurt look on his face, and then accepted it, like he expected to be hurt. 

Ben was relieved at first when his brother started sniping back, but over time it changed from little things, to not so little things, and Klaus went from seeking Ben out, to avoiding him. 

Ben started spending time with Jill, not that she could see him though, but it gave him something to do, and Jill was exactly the kind of girl he would have wanted to date had he been alive… But he wasn’t alive, and the fuller Klaus’s life became, the more apparent that one truth became, and the harder it was for Ben to ignore that light in the corner of his eye.

And then Klaus abandoned the cult all together, and without Jill to distract him Ben finally took a look at Klaus, and started talking to him again. It was different though, Klaus was different, he had… grown up? He had always done what he wanted, but he used to look to Ben when he made decisions and now he needed no one’s approval. It hurt, and Ben longed to return to the way it was, with an entire cult of people between them, but without Klaus Ben was like the rest of the ghosts, fleeting and insubstantial. 

When Ben jumped at Klaus and took possession of his body for that one glorious second it was everything, and it was the beginning of the end. Ben had missed being alive, but it wasn’t until he had that brief moment of life that he realized how much he had forgotten about being alive. He had to have more of it, which led to him to possessing Klaus during the disastrous dinner party. 

When Klaus agreed to let Ben possess again him to talk to Jill it was the best thing that Ben had experienced since he died. Tasting the grapefruit, feeling the dirt, kissing Jill, talking to Diego, hugging him, it was amazing. When Klaus threw him out, or up as it were, he saw that the experience wasn’t the same for Klaus. 

Klaus looked…. rough. Rough in a way that he hadn’t since the drugs, and Ben started to wonder if he was doing the right thing. The light in the corner of his eye shone a little bit brighter, and he realized that he had to talk this over with Klaus, but he hesitated, and then they were looking for Allison and the moment was gone.

Ben had never been prouder of Klaus as he headed down that hallway towards Vanya, and Ben realized in that moment that Klaus really didn’t need him. Klaus was alive and all Ben was doing now was holding him back. He saw his brother get blasted back by Vanya’s power, and realized that Klaus was going to die along with Allison and Diego, along with everyone. This was it; this was the end of the world and none of them could stop it.

Still Ben hesitated, before he stepped towards Vanya, looking back towards his family who were dying trying to save her. It was the story of his life, his death, and all the time since. He hesitated, but this time he wasn’t going to let it stop him. He wasn’t going to let it hold him back and miss the moment. 

He saw her in pain, and he pulled every ounce of power he could from Klaus to allow him to possesses Vanya, the way he had his brother. It was different, maybe it was the drugs she was on, the electricity, but Ben wasn’t in control. He was in Vanya’s mind, and he could feel the power ripping through him, the light was stronger here, burning him, and he knew if he stayed it would consume him. He would be forced to move on, ready of not, but first, first he would help her. 

This one act would make it worth it though, having stayed all those years. He tried to explain to her it was okay that he had to go, but he stumbled over his words and ended up telling her its all been gravy, far too much time with Klaus. He asked her to hug him as he went and whispered his message to Klaus. He had to let him know that it wasn’t his fault. And then he was gone, standing in a black and white facade, staring at a little girl on a bike.

“About time you got here, 13 years late, and 43 years early all at the same time. That is an accomplishment,”


End file.
